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Humorous Quotations

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"You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing."
-Michael Pritchard
"Not by wrath does one kill, but by laughter."
-Friedrich Nietzsche, philosopher
"The most wasted of all days is one without laughter."
-e.e. cummings
"Laughter is the closest distance between two people."
-Victor Borge
"The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense."
-Tom Clancy
"I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately."
-George Carlin, comedian
"The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with."
-Marty Feldman
"You know what the trouble of real life is? There's no danger music."
-Jim Carrey
"Experience is the comb life gives you after you lose your hair."
-Judith Stern
"Life is a rollercoaster. Try to eat a light lunch."
-Henry Boyd
"There are three proven rules for good teeth: brush after every meal; see your dentist twice a year; and mind your own business."
-David A. Schmaltz
"You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams."
-Rita Rudner, comedian
"If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?"
-George Carlin
"Karma usually has a wingman."
-surprisingly funny line from soap opera General Hospital
"When the tide goes out, you see who was swimming without a bathing suit."
-Warren Buffett
"Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies."
"Spell check can't fix stupid."
-T-shirt saying
"You can only be young once but you can be immature forever."
-Dave Barry
"Start every day with a smile and get it over with."
-W.C. Fields
"A happy person is not a person in a certain set of circumstances, but rather a person with a certain set of attitudes."
-Hugh Downs
"Do everything. One thing may turn out right."
-Humphrey Bogart
"Christianity makes suffering contagious."
-Friedrich Nietzsche, philosopher